Hear me ROAR!!
Hey Moms and Wives!! It's been a little while I blogged about anything, and that's just been due to a number of things. I haven't exactly had much motivation to write lately, even though I have loads to blog about, I pick up my laptop to begin, but drop it after three lines. So I guess you could say I had a ''bloggers block'' lol as a friend told me today. Lately I noticed how much my confidence has dropped, since having our son who is now twenty months old. I am about to go back to work, which I'm so nervous about. I've been questioning myself as to how will I handle being back to working in a new environment, new processes, new people, being able to deliver successful projects and results. Most especially, how do I handle being without my son for an entire day, be a good and hands on wife, a full time Mom and still maintain my sanity of looking after me? I am fully aware a lot of Moms do all, I mean my blog says ''Tenacious, strong and beautiful Moms who do all and be all'' right?
I ask a few questions to my husband, take for example I'd say to him- ''oh hun, so how do I handle this if this happens? or what do I say or do if that happens? (Future work related stuff) He reacts, in not a negative way, more like disbelieve that I am asking the questions I'm posing to him, and rants about ''ohh c'mmon you shouldn't have to ask that, you know you... you handle it this way..'' etc He gives me the answers quite alright, but I walk away hoping to be filled with smiles and a spring in my step, like ''I've got this'' but it's a mix of both. Now let me tell you, before I met my husband, after I met him, our wedding and before we had our son, and I was working full time, and my goodness was I a force to be reckoned with in my own way. I handled every situation that came my way, I delivered on my projects and tasks, I got results... That was ME!! But were has that person gone?
My confidence, my zeal, my vavavoom, everything is gone! I never want to say or admit that motherhood did all that, because guess what? After our son was almost two months and he had his first outing, I felt a sense of pride, confidence; I wasn't afraid of anything anymore, I've had a baby, what more could scare me? Lol... But being home for as long as I have, and getting ready for work, has just reeled in this insane level of low self esteem and self doubt, that I'm not sure men understand. Ladies ever find yourself in a place were ''I know you're not psychic, and you can't tell what I'm feeling unless I speak, but sometimes I don't want to speak my feelings, sometimes I need you to just know (impossible?) or just give me words of affirmation, and encouragement or listen to what I'm not saying, or try tapping into my inner self and figure out what I might be struggling with''? Oh! this questions are for our men... :) I have never had to look myself in the mirror to give myself a boosting pep talk, and say ''you've got this'' etc... but I find that I'm having to do it a lot these days, especially when I go for meetings or interviews.
I look at our son when he's asleep, and I talk to him... I tell him I will do better for him, that it's okay for me to feel this way temporarily, because I am human, I am his Mom, and he's Dad and I will do everything to protect him and ensure he has the best in life.... this is just a phase, it will pass. Every time I watch him sleep, his birth floods my mind heavily, and as much challenges we had on that day, I will forever be grateful to God for this gift of life. I read a blog about a week ago, which said; parents need to stop saying or thinking ''our kids are our lives, we will do and sacrifice all for them'' and more..... But I refuse to to say or think that, because my child is my life, my gift, my joy, the one I will sacrifice all for. They say you never truly know love until you feel your unborn child inside you, and meet them for the first time...and boy!! were they right! Sooooo!! I say to myself, like I said and felt the first time our son had his first outing, I've had a baby, gone through the stress and trauma of labour and emergency CS, I've had and still having sleepless nights, only to wake up early the next day to keep going, (with the help of coffee.. *wink*) I've gone through the state of depression after we had our son...
So there isn't room for a pity party, low self esteem, lack of confidence, no zeal, and self doubt. I am rising above this, I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain, because I am Strong, Invincible, I am Woman!! Now hear me ROARRRR!!!
Thanks to my replay of Helen Reddy - I am Woman.